Phone conversations last 30 seconds.

A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.

You can go to the bathroom alone.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You never have to clean the toilet.

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.

Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of three.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

If you're 34 and single, no one notices.

Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100.

Another guy can show up at the party in the same outfit.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.